“I made it
And now there’s no turning back
I know there’s no depth you wouldn’t sink for the chance
I’m sorry, boy
I’m not cut for this no more”
It’s not often that I write about something fresh, usually it takes me weeks or months to feel ready to throw all the hopes and feelings out there. In this case, it’s so raw, and so big that I think it’s better to put it out there right away. Tonight I took a bubble bath, something that usually cheers me up, and while I was sitting there I just felt so numb that I realized I was scaring myself. Purging all of this here and now, is my way of at least feeling something so this giant black hole doesn’t swallow me alive.
I made the mistake of dating a friend. Not just any friend, but a friend who I was always completely candid with, who knew all of my likes and dislikes, who had heard me cry over guys and seen me frustrated when things weren’t what I wanted. It was a mistake for several reasons, one that I figured since he knew so much about me he was accepting of all of those things, and also because it made him expect more from me then I think he would of a new girl he had only started to date.
“There’s always some baggage you’ve got to check
I’m trying
Hope that you’d understand
I’m sorry, boy
I’m not cut for this no more”
It started off amazing, we had lots of fun, great chemistry and could talk for hours. Then I got sick with a cold. I’m weird when I’m sick, I just want to avoid people until I am better, but I still went and saw him but wasn’t up to kissing of making out, sick kind of robs me of that. I went home for Christmas, and while I missed him a lot, and we texted back and forth dozens of times a day, I was working and visiting family, and he was at home alone. He says he pined for me for a week, and because I am tentative about giving too much in the beginning, he assumed that I was just another girl playing hot and cold with him. Add to that my disastrous return when still sick and frustrated from flight issues and disappointed by not seeing him right away, it was less than the excited greeting he hoped for.
It seems so trivial and silly that both a friendship and a potential relationship could be tossed aside so easily. Everyone has baggage, and while I was accepting of his, and gave him room for it, he was never accepting of mine. I asked for him to give me a chance, he said he would. That lasted two whole days before I got a Facebook message ending things and giving the reason of him not liking something that I had dabbled in. No asking me how I felt about it, if it was still important to me, just reading old notes on my profile and making his own mind up. It was obvious that he was just looking for an excuse to cut and run. I was a mess all day at work, the benefits of getting a Facebook break up at 9am is that you get to spend the rest of your work day trying to pull it together. The extra bit of salt in the wound was the “I value your friendship”. Hard to swallow, because what I value in my friends is understanding, and chances.
“You came in
Yeah, you happened to me
So I waited and nothing else has since
I’m sorry, boy
But I’m no good for you no more”
So where do you go from here? Tonight I have felt just this huge empty hole. It’s the first time in months that I have had a night off and no one home, and no one to talk to. The silence only makes the black hole bigger. How do you get over a friend and someone who was pretty much everything you wanted at the same time? Usually he was the one I would talk to about disappointing relationships, but now what? It’s strange, when I broke off an engagement and ended things with someone I had been with for more than three years, I don’t remember feeling so numb. It makes me want to do something stupid, something crazy, something dangerous, anything just to feel.
So I’ll instead sit here and listen to music, cuddle the pillow pet that I bought for him as a joke to cheer him up, not realizing that he didn’t need cheering up, he was just avoiding me until he decided how best to shatter me apart. Tomorrow I plan to throw it in a dumpster somewhere, I don’t need that kind of reminding. Maybe I will wake up in the morning and realize I was being all melodramatic, but part of me is very doubtful of this. It’s two weeks before my birthday, and the one person who I was so excited to have celebrating with me, is no longer even a Facebook friend.
“If it’s your name in lights
And if the time is yours,
You’d be on your back
You’d be on the floor
It’s the kind of night that I’d always hoped
And he’s the kind of guy worth waiting for”
Jimmy Eat World is an American alternative rock band from Mesa, Arizona, composed of lead vocalist and guitarist Jim Adkins, guitarist and backing vocalist Tom Linton, bassist Rick Burch and drummer Zach Lind. The group has released seven studio albums and have had their songs appear on TV shows like One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl and movies like Never Been Kissed and Butterfly Effect.
“Cut” is from their seventh study album Invented. Released in 2010, the album was based on Cindy Sherman’s Completely Untitled Film Still series, and Hannah Starkey’s Photographs 1997-2007.
