“It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind”
There is a famous quote from a movie I’ve never seen called Vanilla Sky “Every passing minutes is another chance to turn it all around.” I feel like it could be the mantra of my life some days. I am a firm believer in the scorched earth approach to the end of relationships. Give back all their stuff, get back all of yours, and then cease all forms of communication, stop following them on Twitter, delete them off of bbm and unfriend them on Facebook. Scorched earth can often create the most fertile ground to start a new relationship, both with someone new, and with the person you left behind. It wipes away all the mistakes, the pettiness, the hurt and lets you start again. The trick though is sticking to it.
I’m infamous for my breakups. It’s fairly easy to tell when I have ended a relationship, regardless of how long or short it was, whether it was just with a friend or with a lover. It used to be that I would make some dramatic hair change, like chop it off or dye it, but these days it just means a huge purge of material items and friend’s lists. I tried to explain my theory the other day to someone who is going through a situation where some scorched earth could stop breakup 2.0, since I am currently scorching the earth with a friend and playmate, I was trying to show the why and the how. He was very concerned that the other party didn’t know that I was engaging in some earth scorching, but as I explained that is often the reason it works in the first place.
“But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again”
I try to see each failed relationship as a learning experience, why did it go wrong, how can I fix it for next time and what am I really looking for in the person that I will end up staying with. A friend told me that to see if my ideals were realistic I should use an in credibly complicated mathematical equation that would look at the percentage of the population that had the personality traits I was looking for, the percentage chance that all of those traits would be in one person and apply that to the percentage of men within my age range living at a suitable distance from my location. Then I needed to consider the percentage chance that I would also be what they were looking for and that they would want to be with me. Needless to say when you look at it that way it is beyond depressing to see what your chance at “love” is.
Lately I have excelled at seeing why things won’t work, instead of trying to figure out how they will. In the past I have always been too forgiving and fall too hard without seeing the negatives. Now I am too far the other way, not letting myself just be in the moment without trying to find the reasons why it may end or how he might break my heart. This one is still in school, it will never work we have totally different schedules. This one never went to school, it will not work we have different life goals. This one has a kid, and I don’t want kids. This one wants to have three kids, and I don’t like kids. The list goes on. But is that really so bad? Is it better to fall blindly in love and then be wretchedly heartbroken when you find out you actually don’t have the important things in common? Or should you go into everything eyes wide open, and as a result, have a pretty big wall up?
“So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s hand”
I find that often the times I am most reflective about my relationship status, or lack thereof, is when I have no prospects. Even if I am just interested in someone, but haven’t take it any further than that, I find I don’t think about it as much. When I’m not even interested in anyone it’s all I can think about. There is a constant desire to go somewhere, anywhere but here, to see if it’s the city that is bringing me down. I don’t recall every having such a problem finding people I had things in common with back home, but this city is so conservative it’s frightening. To alleviate my boredom, I have taken to exploring the world of fetish. Bondage, shibari, D/s, wax play, violet wands, all fun things that I have discovered a taste for. But alas, the Calgary conservativism rears it’s ugly head even in the kink community. At events the majority of people are couples, either married or poly, and there isn’t as much room for new and single people It definitely is not a place to find someone you could date as well as play with. On the other hand, there are a lot of cool events and photographers which means I get to play in front of the camera again, which is always a big plus.
One thing exploring this community has made me realize, is that I really don’t seem able to fit into any mold at all. I’m not vanilla enough to be vanilla, but my longing for a long term relationship and some of the more traditional aspects of it don’t make me a perfect fit in the kink community either. I want a man who will tie me up and spank me, but I also want a man who will want to put a ring on my finger, not a collar on my neck, and live happily/kinkily ever after. According to one person in the community, my problem is that I keep falling for boys who think they are men, instead of the men that know they are and have nothing to prove. A man would let me be busy, and et me be independent. A boy just worries that I won’t come back to him.
“So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be”
As of right now the plan is still to move. By the time 2013 rolls around I want to be somewhere other than here. Whether that is out in Vancouver, or back to Toronto, remains to be seen. But I need to travel again, need to find someplace new with a more liberal viewpoint.
The Cave is the second single off of Mumford & Sons album Sigh No More. The British band formed just outside of London in 2007 but didn’t record a full album until 2009 when they released Sigh No More. The band comprised of Marcus Mumford, Ben Lovett, Winston Marshall, and Ted Dwane, took their name from lead singer Marcus Mumford because he was the most recognizable at the time that they started since he was the one running around and organizing shows and venues for the group. The first single off of the album Little Lion Man was a huge hit, landing them appearances on the Craig Ferguson show and the Late Show with David Letterman. The band is now back in the studio to record their second album to be released in February 2012.
Unfortunately, this lovely city of ours is definitely not the most conducive environment for the liberal mind set. You are far braver than I am. At least you’re trying to find that healthy balance that fits for you. There is no question you know what you want and are not afraid to say so and in that respect you should be admired. As for the kink community, I am inclined to believe that it is very much a community that involves older, married, professional couples wherever you go though I admit I’m not so well informed and may well just be speculating here.
The main reason I wanted to respond though was in regards to the scorched earth approach you brought up because I too tend to subscribe to the same policy when it comes to my relationships. The way i see it: the more one holds on to their failing(ed) relationships the further we allow ourselves to be in denial of what really is or is not there. The more likely it is we are less willing to let go of what we should. I think we have to be honest with ourselves and with our partners and if we don’t mutually agree on where to go, how we feel, what we want in life and so forth I think we have to let go and move on. This allows us to let go of any hard feelings so we can move on. Hopefully by purging, we let go of everything including hard feelings and negative attributions. So we can pursue other relationships and even work on or repair old ones. I firmly believe that we can break up with someone, purge, and be friends at the end of the day. I know it’s true because i’ve been there.