“Katie, don’t cry, I know
You’re trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it’s haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but I want it so.”
It seems that the one thing that will always haunt me is timing. It’s hard to let go of the hope and potential for something great with someone who you just can’t seem to connect with because of timing. It’s no secret to long time readers of this blog that there are two such individuals in my life who I just can’t seem to get the right timing with. One in Ottawa, one in Vancouver.
Recently I started talking to a friend of a guy I dated while I was in university. When I say friend, I actually mean fraternity brother. I forgot how interesting I found him until we started talking regularly again. He is funny, sarcastic and just as terrible as I am when it comes to knowing exactly what we want and doing what it takes to get it. Frighteningly intelligent, funny and good looking. You can imagine what happens next, I develop yet another crush for someone who lives nowhere near me. Oh and surprise, surprise, he also has a girlfriend, albeit a long distance one.
Harmless flirting turned into a phone call and endless texts back and forth. He encouraged me to check out a Facebook-like site that he frequents to explore and experiment. The phone call was three hours long and involved heavy breathing… enough said. The next day after many texts back and forth we both admitted that this was bad. Crushes that could not be followed through on had no business in our lives, and he respected his girlfriend too much to cheat, at least physically.
“You’re all that I hoped I’d find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn’t take
Cause nothing feels like home, you’re a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay
Because I know I’m good for something
I just haven’t found it yet
But I need it.”
The texts continued, discussion of how we first met in university, why we never hooked up (because I was dating his frat brother and he was dating someone as well), how when he was finally single he would come to my work only to talk to me, but I wasn’t single at the time and was oblivious to his interest. Then a text in the middle of the night “I think I should break up with my girlfriend.”
It’s hard to explain how I felt when I read that. Hope and horror blended together, especially when the next text arrived: “I got off the phone with her unsatisfied with our conversation and all I could think about was calling you.” I don’t think I’ve bluntly said it before in other blog posts, but I have in fact been down this path before, I am what you would call a homewrecker… but never intentionally. Imagine my horror at realizing that somehow this may have happened again, but this time the guy lives on the other side of the country.
Part of me was thrilled, beyond thrilled. A small corner of my brain started to plot out the possibility of going to visit Ottawa as soon as possible, of looking for a job there. That was dismissed equally as quickly, although a tiny section still held the hope close. Then the reality sunk in. I had done it again, fallen for someone I couldn’t have, both for geographic and moral reasons. I talked him through deciding what to do about his girlfriend and went to bed. Vowing to be less eager to answer text messages from him, to cool it off and try and find someone in the same province at the very least.
“And this will be the first time in a week
That I’ll talk to you
And I can’t speak
It’s been three whole days since I’ve had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I’m not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly.”
They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I didn’t need to get over him, but I was interested in trying out new things anyways, and he had encouraged me to join the site so I decided to look around and see if anything or anyone interested me. Something caught my eye, and before I could stop myself I was texting him, filling him in on what I had seen on the site and asking his opinion. As I knew he would be, he was excited for me and encouraging, asking that I promise to call him when I got home.
When I got home the next night I had three texts, all trying to make sure that I was ok and that nothing bad had happened. Also jokingly asking for details. I replied, but he was already in bed. Over the next couple of days we seemed to play hot and cold. He would go from texting me every couple of minutes, to hardly at all. I withdrew more into the present and what was going on here in Calgary and on the website.
In my typical self-destructive fashion I threw everything I had into the exploration, snubbing him a bit and not being as quick to respond to texts. Not sure what I was trying to prove, I knew he wouldn’t be jealous, after all he encouraged me doing it and wanted to hear all about it, but a small part of me hoped it would bring him back to texting me all day every day and calling me again at night. It didn’t.
Throw in the other person, the one who was supposed to teach me things and help me explore, and the situation got even more complicated. On one hand I still reached for my phone hoping it would be my friend again, on the other hand the attention from someone new was very needed and appreciated. It was a tenuous balance at best to balance two different sets of feelings for two very different people. Can you live without someone who just gets you? Can you date someone who isn’t in the same city or province? I personally don’t think so, but that doesn’t mean that a small part of me doesn’t hold up everyone new I meet to his standard. He’s another one that got away, add him to the collection.
“Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I’ll be miserable at best”
Mayday Parade is an American rock band that was formed in 2006 and has since released two albums with a third on the way this summer. “Miserable at Best” is from their debut album “A Lesson in Romantics”. The band has been a part of the Vans Warped tour and several Punk albums such as “Punk Goes Acoustic” “Punk Goes Pop 3″ and “Punk Goes Classic Rock”. In 2010, Mayday Parade had 194 bookings and 74,000 miles logged on tour.
