“I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.”
My family accuses me of being a hopeless optimist, not in the sense that I always see the best in every situation, but more that I tend to get too excited about things to the point where I am almost always disappointed and heartbroken. I have always maintained that if you shoot for the moon, you will always end up among the stars at the very least, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that it is the journey that matters and not necessarily the end goal. Even harder when my new part time job focuses so much on goal setting and how if you aren’t achieving your goals you are basically doing it all wrong.
I have so many goals for myself these days; to find someone who makes me happy, even doing the mundane things like sitting in the same room and doing our own thing, to find a job that I can wake up to every morning and be excited to do and that uses me to my full potential (why is this so hard?!) to be debt free and to buy a new car. Realistically the car one is the easiest, but not the one my heart is set on making happen right now. A car, in the grand scheme of things, seems so trivial compared to love, career and money.
“Not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.”
I laughingly told someone that people should just say yes to me the first time I ask, because if I really want something I will probably be an annoying pest until I get it. It’s not completely true, I usually have a three strike rule. I will try something three times, but if the outcome doesn’t change then it’s time to move on. After all they say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. I don’t think I’m insane… at least not yet. For example, if I ask someone out and they say no, for whatever reason even if it is legitimate, I will only try to make it happen two more times before I give up. I like to think of it as managing my expectations, or guarding my heart. It doesn’t always work though, sometimes the hopefulness, the wishing is just too big to be contained. The higher we climb, the harder the fall.
The best way to recover from a fall? Immersing yourself in books, movies and great music. Best to let it all out, have the big ugly cry and move on. I excel at this, I have getting over things down to an art form, depending on the type of thing it is. Inevitably getting over a broken heart caused by a guy is so much easier than the heartbreak of not fulfilling a dream you’ve been holding tightly too, whether or not you’ve realized.
“I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.”
After any heartbreak comes the rebuilding, the where to from here and what next, and finally the picking up of the pieces.
“Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.”
Jason Walker is a relatively low profile musician from Nashville. He has gained the attention of the CW network. His song “Down” has been featured in two of their shows, “One Tree Hill” and “Vampire Diaries”.
Brooke,
What an amazing post! You strike true to the heart of so many of us. We are all unwilling to fail, but it is what we do an learn from our attempts that makes us stronger and better individuals. I applaud your endeavors – on all facets of life, and I wish you love, hope, and happiness. Thank you for this post. I am ready now to try again.