“It doesn’t hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn’t hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I’m making?”
Isn’t it strange that when people ask us how they feel, they don’t actually want to hear the truth? Why as humans do we so often feel the need to ask the questions we really don’t want answered, especially when it comes to the feelings of those around us. Maybe I’m cynical, jaded, or maybe it’s that I’m actually incredibly naive, but I just don’t see the purpose of asking a question when the answer you want requires the other person to lie so that you don’t “feel bad”.
A couple of weeks ago I had a pretty intense conversation via BBM with a long time…. friend… for lack of a better word. I had been avoiding him as of late, and he knew why, but still he pushed me to tell him exactly why. Immediately getting hurt, upset and defensive about my answer. They say there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers, but in this case do they really mean it?
“You don’t wanna hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I’m tearing you asunder.
There’s a thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don’t we?”
While I adore him as a friend, and have known him for far too long, a couple of years ago we may have pushed some boundaries that we shouldn’t have. Where in the past we made many jests and jokes, had long innuendo filled conversations, suddenly there was also the sense that we could follow through at any time. It has become a weird push and pull ever since. The push for it to happen again, with the pull that not only might we be hurting each other in doing so, but affecting other people in our daily lives if they ever found out.
Somewhere along the way another wrench was thrown into the plan in that I started thinking about how much I wished it was all for real. That our games were foreplay to a real relationship we had and not just a friendship. Perhaps it was a case of the grass being greener elsewhere, since I knew then as I still do now that it is more than distance and other people that will always come between us. We tell ourselves, and each other, pretty lies to make it seem ok, to take some small comfort in the knowledge that we still have the potential of each other.
“And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.”
Our last conversation I told him that I thought we should stop, grow up and realize that we couldn’t always play these games, that eventually someone would find out and that we both had so much to lose. On paper it seems like he is the one with the most to lose, it would affect his job, his plans for the future, every goal he’s ever shared with me. In reality I’m the one with the most at stake. It may be his future on the line, but it’s only his career future, for me it’s more like the chance of ever seriously falling for someone whose not him. He’s my security blanket, someone I can always count on to boost my self esteem no matter where in the world he is at that moment. Here’s the thing about security blankets though, if you never try sleeping without one you never discover all the other great things there are to be had in the world.
“C’mon, baby, c’mon, c’mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C’mon, angel, c’mon, c’mon, darling,
Let’s exchange the experience, oh…”
Placebo is a British alternative group that first formed in 1994. They gained worldwide success with songs like “Every Me and Every You” and “Pure Morning” which were featured heavily in many TV shows and movies. The group has released six studio albums and six EPs to date. The band is known for use of drug references throughout their song as lead singer Brian Molko has been extremely open about his recreational drug use.
Running Up That Hill was originally released in 1985 by singer/songwriter Kate Bush. Placebo covered the track and released it as a bonus track on the album “Sleeping with Ghosts” in 2003. Four years later it was re-released on “Covers” and the US version of “Meds”. The song has been played on many TV shows including The Vampire Diaries, CSI, Bones, The O.C. and NCIS: Los Angeles. It was also featured in the trailer for the movie Daybreakers.
