“The broken clock is a comfort, it help me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time.
I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out.”
Have you ever noticed, that the people who are the most broken, are the ones who are more likely to act like they have it all together? As if by admitting that they were hurt, scared, or damaged in some way it would suddenly become so much harder to bear. The girls that get sneered at for wanting the attention of too many guys, the boys who are labeled “players”, the people who are content to move to a different city or job every other month because they hate being tied down. We all have our walls around us, but sometimes the worst walls are the ones we try to pretend aren’t there.
I met a guy whom I thought would be perfect for my current frame of mind regarding relationships. He wanted no strings, no romantic entanglements just someone to have fun with, to have intelligent conversation with and to scratch an itch so to speak. It seemed perfect, but of course there is no such thing right? We were seen talking and immediately I was flooded with comments about what a player he was, how he would break my heart and general warnings to avoid him and run as fast as I could. I chose to ignore them, I wasn’t interested in dating him anyways so why did any of that matter?
“The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head
I tried my best to guarded, I’m an open book instead.
I still see your reflection, inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they’re still looking for life.”
A few late night conversations later and I had a bad feeling. I had joked about being the one that might break his heart and not the other way around, but now I worried that it might actually be true. Things came to light, a series of bad relationships, some self doubt and an equal dose of guilt and shame for past behaviour. Little comments made here and there that made me realize that the player image was a very big act. I tried to call him on it, and although he was embarassed by the things he had told me while he had been drinking or half asleep, he refused to admit that they played any factor.
Christmas break came. I didn’t speak to him for several days as we were both home visiting our families. When he did start messaging me again on Christmas Eve there were many jokes about how I probably missed him, and that his mother had asked if I was a nice girl. Immediate panic set in, he had told his mother about me?! What was going on? I played along and pretended like I knew we were both still joking but part of me had a sinking feeling that I was about to lose my playmate. He got weird, I got weird in return and after several conversations with friends I decided that I didn’t have the time to someone’s mother. That his issues needed to be dealt with before he could even be a friend, let along anything else.
“The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven’t forgotten my way home.”
We’ve spoken a couple of times since, we are thrown into situations sometimes where we can’t avoid each other. I have no dislike of him, but I feel sorry for him and a little mad that he hides behind a wall and won’t even admit to it. I think I used to be like him, hurt so much and broken to the point where I went out of my way to appear like I wasn’t. I wish him luck, I think underneath it all he is probably a really great guy… he just needs some time.
The song Broken was featured in the recent movie “Time Traveller’s Wife”. Recorded by the Christian-rock group Lifehouse, there is lots of debate about whether or not the song is about god or simply about losing someone you love. I prefer to think the latter but I understand that everyone will see in it what they will. No matter the way you view it, it is an amazing song.
Lifehouse is from Los Angeles. Their first hit was in 2001 “Hanging by a Moment” from their debut studio album, No Name Face. In 2002, they released their follow up album Stanley Climbfall. They have released three more albums: the self-titled Lifehouse in 2005, Who We Are on June 19, 2007 and Smoke and Mirrors on March 2, 2010
Great post. We’ve all been through the ‘acting’ phase at some point.
Hey Brooke,
I follow you on twitter @androidsummer
This was really perceptive. A really great insight into human nature.
I too have been both in your place and also in the guy of this posts place.. perhaps for different reasons. I’ve seen both sides.. and it’s tough. I definitely agree it’s funny how most people who are “truly” broken inside and not just a drama queen with a lot of talk seem to hold themselves together the best. I find it intriguing how I often see people do a lot of talking and say a lot of things and put up a big front so I kind of laugh and continue on my way. I personally feel like people who think they have to talk so much and tell their entire life story are often trying to convince themselves. I think more people could really do with some quiet introspection like this post. Its really the quiet ones who interest me more. Nice post and great song too I’ve been a lifehouse fan since grade 9.. they’re near and dear to my heart.
Also, Welcome to Calgary!!
Hope you’re enjoying everything here… I imagine it’s a rather different atmosphere than rural ontario.
Cheers!